Home > culture/society, international news > Question of the Day: Good God, What’s on That Rich Englishwoman’s Head?!?

Question of the Day: Good God, What’s on That Rich Englishwoman’s Head?!?

Friday, April 29, 2011, 17:41 EDT Leave a comment Go to comments

OK, so I’m the only person alive who didn’t wake up this morning at 5:30 with the explicit intention of watching the royal wedding. In fact, besides yet another period of insomnia from about 2:30-4:00 a.m., I didn’t wake up at all until about 7:30, at which time I didn’t even remember there was a wedding going on somewhere, because who gets married on a Friday, anyway? (True, my parents got married on a Monday, but only because it was Easter Monday and in those days you couldn’t get married in the Catholic church during Lent unless you were pregnant, which my mother wasn’t, and if they had waited until the following weekend, they’d have missed my father’s school vacation week and wouldn’t have been able to take a honeymoon. But I digress.)

Because of my utter indifference to all things royal, it wasn’t until I got to work and was sitting in a 9:00 breakfast meeting, enjoying my french toast (alas, without real maple syrup, which currently retails for about—I kid you not—$90 per gallon), that I heard someone mention the royal wedding and remembered that today was The Big Day. Naturally, after breakfast was done, I did the obligatory girl thing and went online to view the wedding dress, which was very tasteful and decidedly not ridiculously fairy tale-ish like the groom’s deceased mother’s dress was. Lord, that thing was ugly. And that was as far as I was going to go in my royal wedding observance, except that I made the mistake of clicking on a link that said “Fashion: Royal Wedding Style” and saw this:

Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice and their, um, dates

Who knew the Brits were into theme weddings? Evidently, the royals urged their guests to adopt a marine motif, as is clear in this photo depicting (left) a blue canoe holding a head of purple cabbage and leaving billows of smoke and feathers in its wake and (right) an albino octopus, each escorting one of Andrew and Fergie’s daughters, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice, respectively. Imagine how pissed Eugenie must have been to learn that she wasn’t the only woman who brought with her an electric blue watercraft, even if the other one’s cabbage passenger was matching blue:

Tara Palmer-Tominson, famous for being famous and for wearing boats on her head

A caption identified the copycat biatch is Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, whom a Google search revealed to be the English equivalent of Paris Hilton or the Kardashians. But wait, it isn’t just princesses and no-talent publicity hounds who kept with the nautical theme. No less than the step-mother of the groom, the Duchess of Cornwall, wore what the experienced eye recognizes as a giant inflated mainsail:

Camilla, sailing away

To her credit, Spice Girl Victoria Beckham tried to buck the trend with a simple pillbox hat, which sadly kept falling down her forehead until a spiny tentacled ocean creature, apparently having been separated from its designated wedding guest, sprang to the rescue to hold the headpiece in place, as seen in this video screen capture:

Victoria Beckham accompanied by bizarre spiny sea urchin

More successfully eschewing the seven seas was the groom’s grand-aunt, Princess Anne, who sported a simpler chapeau (can I use a French word? The Brits hate the French, you know) adorned with what looks like a vegetable from Princess Eugenie’s cabbage patch:

Princess Anne topped by a vegetable

Every royal wedding includes the reigning monarchs of other nations, and for this occasion, foreign royalty including Princess Maxima of the Netherlands (left) and Spain’s Queen Sofia and Princess Letizia. They used the excuse that they couldn’t read the English-language invitations to justify their normal hats, which resembled neither creatures of the deep nor edible plants:

Finally, some people with good taste

But my personal hero, though I don’t know her at all and actually only saw her for the first time in this picture, is British First Lady (is that what they call the Prime Minister’s wife?) Samantha Cameron, who is said to have written in the margin of her response card, “F*CK HATS AND COLOR-COORDINATED ACCESSORIES!”

Samantha Cameron does her own thang

Honestly, I never thought I’d see the day when the following words would come out of my mouth, but the Queen had the most dignified hat of the day. It might not be the most stylish, but she wears what she wears and doesn’t make a spectacle of herself.

Queen Elizabeth keeping it real

You go, girl.

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