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Mystery of the Day

Wednesday, January 19, 2011, 14:30 EDT Leave a comment Go to comments
Randy Glasbergen cartoon

Copyright 2008 Randy Glasbergen, http://www.glasbergen.com/

I dropped out of the dating scene a few years ago, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy laughing at those who are still in it, like the person who posted this profile on a dating website one of my friends uses. There is some disagreement among our group as to whether or not the profile is real or a put-on; I think it’s real. And I can’t imagine why this guy hasn’t been claimed yet.

My female equivalent would have to meet the following criteria and, by definition, be much different than the other 99.95% of the people on this (and every other) so called “dating” site:

Is “THIN” or “ATHLETIC,” VERY GOOD LOOKING, has natural SEX APPEAL and a NICE BUTT (bonus points if it can crack walnuts).
Has included clear, recent, close-up, digital photos of HERSELF – minus sunglasses, masks or lard cloaking clothing – in her profile.
– Has not included photos of herself swimming with and kissing dolphins, posing in cheesy bikinis, skydiving or white water rafting.
– Has posted more photos of herself than of her children or her friends. (I’m not interested in dating anyone from either group.)
– Prepared a profile that consists of more than three hastily prepared sentences.
– Has a net worth (including primary residence equity) of at least $250,000 US dollars and realizes that’s no longer “a lot of money.”
– Has a Bachelors Degree as a minimum) and is gainfully employed in a legitimate career on a full-time basis.
– Doesn’t view a size 10 as “thin,” a size 16 as “average” or a circus tent as “a few extra pounds.”
– Isn’t obsessed with “traveling.” (My idea of vacation doesn’t include being frisked, delayed flights and being herded like cattle.)
– Is articulate, able to properly construct a grammatically correct sentence and realizes that a thesaurus isn’t a type of dinosaur.
– Has no intention of using me as her “boy toy” for the evening, only to be “online now” the next day searching for her next victim.
– Doesn’t make a concerted effort to avoid quality men while subsequently complaining about how she “can’t meet anyone.”
– Is serious about finding someone (as opposed to playing evasive and sophomoric games by endlessly loitering on this site).
– Has more teeth than tattoos.
– Doesn’t ride a Harley or aspire to do so.
– Views things on a global (and perhaps even universal) level and isn’t confined to narrow-minded provincialism.
– Doesn’t have “spinning saucer eyes” and look like she just escaped from a lunatic asylum.
– Is exactly as she’s portrayed herself. (I’m now wearing my hair a little longer; I’m 5′-11″, very well built and weigh 192 lbs.)
– Doesn’t have booze-face, cigarette complexion, lizard breath or the all-too-popular “inbred criminal” look.
– Hasn’t included the phrase “carpe diem” or the cancer ribbon graphic in her profile.
– Understands the vast differences between noise and music.
– Hasn’t mentioned “The Sox,” “The Pats,” or “the Celts” in her profile because she has more sophisticated interests.
– Eats a reasonably well-balanced, healthy diet (but isn’t a “Vegan” or some other nutty thing).
– Would make a real effort to return a nice item she found to its rightful owner (e.g. a new iPod laying in a parking lot).
– Maintains a clean, comfortable, inviting and pleasant home.
– Embraces the concept of free-market capitalism and maintains some understanding of markets. (I’m not referring to grocery stores).
– Drives a respectable, clean, food-particle-free, well-maintained and reliable late model vehicle.
– Doesn’t wear enough make-up to force a circus clown to cry with envy.
– Is free of STDs, communicable diseases, rotting teeth and alcohol/drug abuse problems.
– Loves animals (but doesn’t love living in a barn).
– Aggressively invests for the future, but still has some “fun money” for the present and a credit score of at least 725.
– Wouldn’t consider blowing money on “Keno,” but would invest in a good global dividend-paying equity fund in a heartbeat.
– Wouldn’t step foot in a bowling alley, a Walmart cafeteria or any other low-brow facility.
– Isn’t obsessed with “alternative medicine,” religion, “new age,” magic, space aliens, etc.
– Understands the vast differences between pseudoscience/junk science/faith/mysticism and actual science.
– Hasn’t spent every waking moment on “online dating sites” for months or years on-end without ever actually meeting someone.
– Doesn’t fear intimacy and has a good understanding of the role good sex plays in a healthy relationship.
– Disdains manipulation, “power plays,” “political correctness” and BS.
– Instinctively smiles at young children, yet would have no problem telling a self-centered, inconsiderate a** where to go.
– Maintains excellent personal hygiene and visits her doctor and dentist routinely.
– Doesn’t expect members of the opposite sex to drive her everywhere and pay for everything.
– Doesn’t bounce from one relationship to the next like a pinball bouncing off bumpers.
– Isn’t “separated,” married and/or “transgender.”
– Doesn’t live with a large tribe of children or any child under the age of 15.
– Treats restaurant and retail staff with kindness and respect and is considerate to others.
First Date
N/A, since it appears as though most of these people are unresponsive, prematurely dismissive and never actually meet or form relationships with one-another in real life.

On the slim chance that I did meet a woman from here, I’d immediately depart from the “first date” if she didn’t look like the photos she posted, were accompanied by others (e.g. her kids, her psychiatrist, her mother, her husband or “a friend”), showed up wearing a “Renaissance” costume, gave the impression of a community college drop-out and/or the ensuing conversation didn’t jive with her online claims.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Please don’t contact me (this includes “Wants to Meet” notices) if you are homely, fat, have deeply rooted intimacy issues and/or wish to “critique” my profile. You’d be better served by spendin

I’m guessing that the abrupt ending is because either he ran out of space, the site’s bullshitometer cut him off, or he’s looking for a psychic.

Seriously, how much time do you think I’d have to spend to point out and correct all his bad grammar, usage, and punctuation (including the part where he insists on a woman who can use grammar properly)?

I can only hope that this guy gets dozens—nay, hundreds—of first dates with fat, ugly, poorly educated, and/or sports-loving women whose idea of a good time is to screw with pompous asses’ itty-bitty minds.

Categories: stupidity
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