News You Can Use

God, I love The Onion. Where else can you read stories like this?

Nation’s Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports

A new study released this week by the U.S. Bureau of Masochism has concluded that American nipples are critically under-clamped, bolstering long-held suspicions that the nation is rapidly losing interest in the thin, delectable line between pleasure and pain.

[ . . . ]

“We are sniveling, spineless scum,” Knowlton continued. “And it’s time we were taught a lesson.”

[ . . . ]

“Most Americans we spoke to indicated that they had never engaged in any form of formalized nipple torture,” said Masochism Bureau researcher Brian Henley. “Furthermore, only 3 percent of citizens indicated that they were likely to dangle heavy weights from their outstretched areolas while being ordered to crawl inside of a small metal cage.”

Added Henley, “I’m sorry, but that’s just a frightening statistic.”

Can’t…breathe……Laughing…too…hard…….